Never Forever Homeless

I still mourn every so often for the life I thought I'd have. The life I ought to have. I know it's dangerous to think that way, and I don't let myself occupy that space for too long, but it creeps up sometimes and I allow it a moment. It's a valid, real thing, to be sad I couldn't keep what I wanted so badly.

Tonight, I dropped my son off to be with a friend in the neighborhood we used to live in. It's not far from where we live now, and being there doesn't usually bother me. But tonight, families were strolling down the sidewalks, neighbors were chatting on front lawns, the sun was setting on a beautiful summer night, and I remembered when that used to be us.

The place we live now is also beautiful and peaceful and full of neighbors to chat with, but there's something special about that old place that can't be replicated or replaced. It was supposed to be home forever. Now it's gone.

It helps a bit to remember that it was mostly all pretend. Our beautiful home and the cute little family facade were just plastic masks we wore for the world so we could hide our nightmare inside. But not all the pieces of it were fake. Some of it was actually as beautiful as it seemed. I worked so hard to make at least some of it real.

I'm so melodramatic. So boo hoo. The kids and I have worked hard to put back the pieces even better than they were before. We have a lot of the future to look forward to. Another beautiful home someday. Another sweet neighborhood with children riding bikes and families taking walks. It won't be the same and that's okay. And maybe it will not even be close to that, but better in so many ways. Someday.

But right now I feel a little sad that some things were stolen from us and will never be returned. I'll let myself feel that for a moment, perhaps cry a little bit about it, and then continue forward on this new and different path that life has laid out for us. It will be better, this new path, it must be better. Someday will come, and I'll look back on that old neighborhood and that perfectly made for us home without longing because I'll be able to see how this other way was much, much better.

Right?

30 minutes later:
And now this song is playing in my head:

Homeless, by Michael McLean

That oldest brother of mine is determined not to let me boo hoo for long.
The original title for this blog post was "Never Forever," alluding to the idea that the kids and I would never again have that home and that space. After this song started playing in my head out of nowhere, I couldn't maintain such a jaded perspective. We will never be forever homeless or alone because of the Savior's sacrifice. I gave up some walls and a roof. He gave up his life. In his love, there's a home.

And that's all the home we ever truly need.
Thanks for the hug, big bro.