Micki's Musings

Twenty-four has been one of my favorite numbers my whole life. I like the evenness of it, the way it multiplies and divides so tidily into so many other nice and tidy whole numbers. It's 2 and 6 and 8 and 4 and 3 and 12, and it's the day of the month I was born. In 2023, I decided 2024 would be the best year yet, and I started creating a world for myself where that could come true. When I got engaged on January 1st, it felt like the perfect beginning to the perfect year, and the first couple of months held a lot of promise.  Then the promises shattered and one thing after another after another threw my life into chaos and my heart into pieces. I never imagined how difficult this year would be in so many different ways. Now, we are at the end of my favorite number year, and I realize I was right. This has been the very best year of my life so far. I have grown this year more than any other five years combined. I have proven to myself that all the work I have done has not been fo...

If you give a girl a plane ticket to Hawaii, she'll want to go scuba diving. If you take her scuba diving, she will fall in love with the island. If she falls in love with the island, she will want to move there. If she moves there, she will want her dream job of working in a hut by the ocean and on the boats and in the water. If she gets her dream job of working in a hut by the ocean and on the boats and in the water, she will also need a place to stay. If she gets a place to stay, she will want it to be in a place where she can see the ocean and beautiful sunrises and sunsets. If she gets a place to stay on a beautiful island with ocean and sunrise and sunset views, she will want to explore and meet people and make friends and see everything and do everything. If she is living on a beautiful island and seeing everything and doing everything and living her dreams, she might be so full of joy she won't be able to contain it and she will feel like she is going to burst into tril...

I play a silly game when I get hurt. We all play it. I play a game where I pretend I am the victim and there is everything wrong with the person who hurt me. I play that game on the outside because the reality hurts too much at first. After I have some time to process, after I take some time to see what's real, I face my true pain inside of myself.  I went to the temple praying for healing and peace. I sat throught the endowment session trying to focus on the beauty of the ordinance, but my mind was swirling with how I had been wronged. I asked for help to cleanse my spirit of the energy, but I hadn't yet released my grip on my victimhood. I got to the last part of the session and opened my heart even more. I always feel a cleansing there. I feel something transforming me in ways I don't comprehend. I don't understand it, but I open myself to it anyway and allow it to flood my soul and heal and empower me. I stood there sobbing as He spoke to the part of me I thought I ...

What's real? This was an almost daily pleading and prayer I had when I was dating him. I had forgotten until I was praying this morning and asking for clarification on why I was still feeling such a strong inclination to block him completely out of my life for good. Am I overreacting? Is it really necessary? What's real? That phrase escaped into my prayer and I realized I hadn't asked that question in a long time. Since we broke up, I haven't needed to question my reality. Since we broke up, I haven't needed to doubt my intuition. Since we broke up, I haven't had anyone pointing out my flaws and telling me I wasn't good enough and telling me partial truths that I convinced myself were facts because I loved him and I trusted him and I had no reason to believe he would want anything but the best for me. The thing is, he hated himself, so there was no way for him to truly and safely love me. He was constantly lying to himself so there was no way for him to be h...

Stop taking things from me. That's what I heard over and over. That's where the pain was coming from. I knew I wasn't in love with him anymore. I knew I had already mourned the life we were going to have together. So why did it still feel so miserable to find out he had moved on so quickly? I felt so confused all day about my emotions. They reeled back and forth and all around trying to find footing and understanding, but then I finally got in a good cry and felt another piece of me shatter to make way for more growth. I searched the space inside the shards and found the part of me that needed to be heard. The pain wasn't from jealousy or wanting anything with him. The pain was a compounding effect from him and all the other men before him who took what I so freely gave and didn't cherish it, didn't honor it, didn't protect it. They took what they didn't deserve and they took what they didn't earn. That was the pain. I was angry at them all for takin...

Settled. It's the best description of how I feel right now. The boxes are unpacked or stored. The items are organized. The illness has passed. The mindset has shifted. Things are settled once again. More settled than they have been in a really long time.  So many burdens are lighter, now. The storm that encompassed me a couple of weeks ago has passed. Things are resolving. I am in my own space in a lot of ways. In more ways than I ever have been before. I'm still Mama. I'll always and forever be Mama. Every day at least one of my kids calls to ask questions or update me on goings on. I love that so much. I love that they want me to be involved and I also love that they are figuring out their own spaces in their own ways. I'm also daughter again. I've always been daughter but my dad gave me a hug today and told me he loved me and my mom thanked me for helping with this and that around the house. I'm daughter but I'm also daughter/friend.  I'm single also....

Five months ago, my fiance cheated on me. Four months ago, my ex-husband overdosed and died. Next week, I'm supposed to have my whole house packed up and ready to move. Yesterday, my baby boy moved out and I came home to an empty house. Last night, the guy I'm dating told me he's interested in someone else also and doesn't know what to do. The other day, I had shooting pain going up and down my leg randomly. It was severe enough that it made me cry out. I researched it and it said something about nerves and that exercise would help. I went to the lake and swam and started my walking again. The shooting pains are gone, now. Last month, my period was a week late. I'm never more than three days off schedule. Then I had another cycle two weeks later. Then again two days later. I researched it and it said something about PCOS or thyroid issues or possibly early menopause. The main cause on every website was stress. I made an appointment with my gynecologist. I made an ap...

I spent an hour today on the phone with various mortgage companies dealing with things I really don't want to deal with and jumping through seemingly silly and unnecessary bureaucratic hoops to get simple information. I still didn't get the information, but they will be mailing (snail mailing, not emailing) the documents that will outline the first steps of what we need to do. They won't be sending the information we requested, just the first steps of how to get the information we requested. Sigh. I spent the following half hour eating my feelings in the form of chocolate chips and peanut butter fudge (ie peanut butter rolled in powdered sugar). The chocolate chips were 70% cacao, so it's healthy. Sigh some more. But also, I forgave him a lot the other day. I forgave him and I actually grieved him. The last time I was at his house--and hopefully that was the very last time--I was looking for the bolt to the gun that is missing and ended up going through one of his milit...

Situational depression was the diagnosis. Years ago, I sat in a psychiatrist's office and that label was slapped on me. It felt like a slap, at least. I didn't know what she was talking about. I was there to help my then husband, not myself--never myself. I hadn't asked for her diagnosis. She, however, was concerned not just about him but about me, too, and asked me to fill out some forms and answer some questions. Back then, I didn't know how to exist for myself but she tried to help me. She wanted me to take some medication until it passed. I refused. That's what he  did, not me. I would not take drugs to fix my problems. I wonder what things would have been like if I had listened.  But I didn't. So the next 15 years went by and here I am. She was right. I was right, too, maybe, about not getting on the medicine. Or maybe not. It's very sticky, depression. It's very tricky, too. It feels like fog for me, but when the fog is there long enough I can'...

I have experienced a lot of identity shifting in recent weeks. My fiance gave up on us. The father of my children died. My youngest graduated high school. "Just one of those events would derail someone," my therapist said. But I am not someone. I am everything for everyone. And so I am no one. All of the parts of me that used to fit are cracking into pieces and falling away and I don't know how to shape what's underneath. I've had so much doubt and confusion. I've had so much anger.  I've felt so afraid. My foundation has shaken and crumbled to expose what's underneath. And after and during the storm is the sun. It's my darkness and my conversion story. I'm getting a chance to prove what I really want. One choice at a time, moment by moment, I veer one way or another. It's up to me, now. Growing pains hurt. And they make me more than I was before. Naked Nothing fits right now So I've taken it all off And now I'm exposed Vulnerable A...

He's gone, and I am free. He's gone, and I'm heartbroken. He's gone, and I'm confused. He's gone, and I'm angry. Another rollercoaster of emotions. Relief, grief, overwhelm, resentment, they roil around inside of me and outside of me in those around me.  The kids are idealizing him and I'm glad. I think they'll be able to have a better relationship with him now that he's gone. He won't be there to be strange or unnerving or scary but also...he won't be there. I won't ever understand what they feel. That's strange for me. I understand and fix and rescue and with this...I'm on the outside of a lot of it. I'm helping as much as I can but they, once again, have to manage so much more than anyone should at their age. They are the beneficiaries of all he has left behind, for better or worse. I very much hope it's more better than worse. So much is unknown right now. So much to take care of and figure out. It's really big...

I'm weary of feeling miserable. Time to shift. Today marks three weeks since I broke up. He has been broken up for a while, I guess, but for me it's been three weeks. Time for grief to release its grip at least a little bit, and time for me to begin to rise. This one is going to take some intention and hard work. It always does, but this one's vice-like grip is very strong and I will need to pry its rigor mortis fingers off one by one. One step needs to be getting away from him. At first, he was apologetic and owning his part, but I can feel him shifting back into avoidance and denial and the energy is becoming resentful and victimized...like mine. I don't know how I know this but I just do. We're still connected. I want more of a separation. Seeing him constantly at work on the trainings, getting all the motivational messages and interacting with everything we built together in the business--I don't know how to keep it healthy. I thought I could do it at first ...

He posted a quote today on his social media. "Don't chase people," it said. "Don't chase people. Be an example. Attract them. Work hard and be yourself. The people who belong in your life will come find you and stay. Just do your thing." The people who belong in your life will come find you and stay...unless the ones who belong show up and want to stay and give everything they can and fight as hard as they can but you humiliate them and push them away over and over until they can't stay because staying would be toxic and unsafe for them. Don't chase them. Because you've already chased them away.

Something just happened. I feel it in my back. It clenches and it hurts. It's a panic attack but different. Something somewhere else is bringing it. In my mind I see transluscent tendons reaching out from my back getting snapped. The muscles tense and clench. I'm writhing. Something is breaking. Something is happening. I pull off my rings and my bracelet. I don't want anything on my hands, touching my skin, and I don't know why. I curl into a ball and cry. It hurts and it's breaking. He's done something. He's doing something and it's breaking. It's dark. It's pain. He's losing a battle or I'm losing a battle and we're both breaking. Am I insane? Am I attaching blame to something that isn't there? Something hurts for real and something feels like it is broken for good. I can't stop shaking. I try to pull the bobby pins out of my hair and my hands are trembling too hard and I hit myself in the head. I breathe in, and out, in, an...

So many of my favorite parts of my life are entangled with him. My work, my scuba diving. Everything was going to be so much better together. All of the pieces of me were growing and expanding exponentially with him. Now it feels like it’s all come to a screeching halt, and I am left alone just inching along. I know I will still do and be all the things without him. But it was on its way like a tidal wave and now it’s raindrops.  I want to untangle quickly. I know it takes time but I want to untangle quickly. My brain is fuzzy and not thinking straight. I’m spinning again. It’s been a very, very long time since I was last spinning. I hate him for destroying us. I don’t understand it. Nothing makes sense.  Tangled up but no longer entangled with him. Tangled up and fuzzy and spinning. It’s like a hair knot where the more you try to push through it the harder it is to break and the more it hurts. I’m stuck in the snarls and the pressure is big and keeps getting bigger. Soon, I’l...

Working with him is extra brutal. I'll finally pull myself together and wake up motivated and ready to take on the day and have a great meeting and then I have to hear his voice and I love his voice so much and it reminds me of what I don't have anymore. So I'm late to my next meeting because it takes too long to get a hold of my breathing because my sobbing is too big.  I love him so much I don't want to let him go. I hate him for how I feel right now. At least I can leave my camera off for some of the meetings so my puffy eyes have time stop reddening.

He didn't save me a seat at the table. For me, that's when it really started. For him, I guess it had been going on for months before that with him feeling pressured into things he wasn't ready for with the engagement and the wedding plans. I thought simply allowing him more time would be enough. I thought we were still trying to work things out as a couple but taking a time out to think and heal and reorient. I feel like such an idiot. I felt so humiliated that night when he didn't save me a seat in front of all of our coworkers who still thought we were engaged. We had talked about not making it awkward for everyone and very first thing, he didn't save me a seat. Then, we talked and resolved it and I thought we were reconciling. I started wearing the ring again. He went on his solo trip and thought about things and came home ready to commit and set a date. Then two days later he got stuck in his head again and started making up stories about how I don't give h...

Yesterday, I spent the day in bed with a migraine. I felt it right when I woke up and tried to keep it at bay, but by late morning I had sharp, stabbing pain in my temples and a stomachache that snatched any appetite. I took ibuprofen and sipped water and rested and rested and rested. This came along with a cold sore and after a very long work week. I had intentionally blocked out yesterday for catching up on chores and prepping my taxes and processing some paperwork I hadn't had a chance to complete earlier in the week. I was tempted to be upset and frustrated, but I decided to check in with myself instead. My body and my brain were trying to talk to me and I decided to listen. I chatted with myself yesterday. I laid in bed and binge-watched a show and drank water and ate applesauce (my favorite sick day comfort food) and visited with me. My mindset lately has been one of work-really-hard-right-now-so-I-can-relax-and-play-later. It's not an uncommon mindset for an entrepreneur...

I had an interesting mindset shift recently. In my new career, there is a lot of encouragement and motivation and recognition of even small wins. Every time I have been contacted in my new career, it has been to praise and encourage or let me know I have been referred or specifially requested because of how well I have served previous clients. However, the first few months, even though all interaction had been positive, I found myself feeling heavy anxiety whenever any of the leadership wanted to speak to me. I quickly realized this was because in the past, whenever admin reached out it was because of a conflict or issue that had arisen that they wanted to address with me. Oftentimes, it was based on something that I hadn’t actually done “wrong” but that was construed as some sort of mistake on my part where I had to clarify, defend, and mediate. It didn’t happen frequently (until my last year with a different school and admin), but it still apparently left its mark. I am extremely gra...

I recently had the opportunity to be interviewed on a podcast and share a piece of my story. The host asked me about my fear-facing experiences and we discussed how I now use fear as a compass to guide me instead of shying away from it. The interview went really well and the host complimented me afterward and asked if she could also reference our discussion on her blog. I happily agreed. Of course, once the podcast came out, I listened to it. Nothing too cringy. I still felt proud. And then the transcript of parts of our discussion was printed.  The host did a beautiful job weaving her thoughts through my words and explaining how she felt inspired by what I had said. And what I said was great...except for one word repeated over and over and over again: Just. "I just...I'm just...it's just..." In writing, there's a hard and fast rule that repetition is annoying. It's the same with speaking. If a person says "um" or "like" too many times, it ...

My fiance has a term for days and moments where a decision changes the direction of your life. He calls them sliding door moments. Today was a sliding door day. It started with a wonderful group therapy meeting where I was able to share some of my story and perspectives and growth moments with a small group of women and we all came away inspired and edified. The women were glowing with light by the end of the meeting and I played an integral role in that. Not a bad beginning to the day. I realized something much bigger than me happened during that meeting and I received the impression that I had no idea the ripple effect I had just started.  It reminded me of how, some years ago, I met with my stake president because I wanted to have an addiction recovery program a little closer to where I lived instead of having to drive so far away for meetings. That turned into thousands more people having access to the program and that man becoming the region supervisor of the program. He hadn'...