Cleanse

I play a silly game when I get hurt. We all play it. I play a game where I pretend I am the victim and there is everything wrong with the person who hurt me. I play that game on the outside because the reality hurts too much at first. After I have some time to process, after I take some time to see what's real, I face my true pain inside of myself. 

I went to the temple praying for healing and peace. I sat throught the endowment session trying to focus on the beauty of the ordinance, but my mind was swirling with how I had been wronged. I asked for help to cleanse my spirit of the energy, but I hadn't yet released my grip on my victimhood. I got to the last part of the session and opened my heart even more. I always feel a cleansing there. I feel something transforming me in ways I don't comprehend. I don't understand it, but I open myself to it anyway and allow it to flood my soul and heal and empower me. I stood there sobbing as He spoke to the part of me I thought I had healed but was still broken. He told me, "You are worthy. You are precious. You are beautiful. You have done nothing wrong." He spoke to that part of me that felt rejected, that wondered why I wasn't worth fighting for, that didn't understand why I wasn't good enought to be chosen. He spoke to the part of me that was desperate and lonely and confused and afraid. He spoke to the part of me that simply wants to love someone and doesn't understand why the men I want to share that with don't want to keep it.

He spoke to the parts of me I wish weren't there and the parts of me I'm ashamed to admit still exist. Even after all the work I've done, there is still a little girl inside of me who is insecure and afraid and wanting to be rescued and finally safe. He spoke to her and allowed her to be truly seen and heard and loved and healed a bit more. He spoke to her and I sobbed and felt His warm embrace and felt an overwhelming love and gratitude flowing both ways.

I hope someday that little girl will find a man she doesn't have to heal from, who doesn't hurt her or push her away but cherishes her and sees her value and cannot believe a person such as her truly exists. A man who feels as if he's the luckiest person in the universe to have her by his side, and she can feel the same about him. Maybe one day that will happen. Until then, God loves me and the healing power of his beloved son cleanses my soul and hugs the scared little girl part of me when I forget to take care of her myself.

It's time to let go. It's time to move on. Enough, baby girl. It is enough.

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