Naked

I have experienced a lot of identity shifting in recent weeks. My fiance gave up on us. The father of my children died. My youngest graduated high school. "Just one of those events would derail someone," my therapist said. But I am not someone. I am everything for everyone. And so I am no one. All of the parts of me that used to fit are cracking into pieces and falling away and I don't know how to shape what's underneath. I've had so much doubt and confusion. I've had so much anger.  I've felt so afraid. My foundation has shaken and crumbled to expose what's underneath. And after and during the storm is the sun. It's my darkness and my conversion story. I'm getting a chance to prove what I really want. One choice at a time, moment by moment, I veer one way or another. It's up to me, now.

Growing pains hurt. And they make me more than I was before.

Naked

Nothing fits right now

So I've taken it all off

And now I'm exposed

Vulnerable

Afraid

Empowered

Flawed

Beautiful

The curves and the lines

The dents and the creases

The dark and the light

The raw self

Explored

Examined

Discovered

Uncovered

Real

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feasting

Image
I'm on a quest, of late. I've been delving into the depths of doctrine and discovering myself inside of it. (Nice alliteration there, eh? Just didn't want you to miss it.) That is my quest, to find me. I want to know as much as I can about who I was before and what I am to become. This quest is filling up many of those pieces of me that sat empty for so long from mere spiritual and emotional exhaustion. Now that I am awakening, I am studying the doctrines of the gospel, searching the scriptures, reading the words of the modern day prophets with a hunger that I haven't felt before. It's like feasting in a banquet hall. Everyone else is there, too. We all have this delectable feast before us, and it fascinates me how so many of us still just nibble at the edges when there is so much there to fill us. So many others scrounge around on the floor, licking up crumbs that others have dropped when all we need to do is look up and make the effort to feed ourselves. I under...
Read more

Rock Stars

My kids are rock stars. Or super stars. Or shooting stars. The sun is a star. It's big and bright and powerful and untouchable. That's my kids. I am in awe of them. I am in awe of their brilliance and resilience and ability to manage all that life has thrown at them thus far. My daughter was supposed to testify against her dad at the hearing where none of our voices were heard. I didn't tell her until the last minute, the day before the hearing. I didn't want her to have to worry about it or stress over anything until she absolutely had to. I sat her down and let her know she'd need to testify about the day her dad broke into the house and the other traumatic experiences she has had with him. I was prepared to comfort her, to offer her words of encouragement, to help her process what she would have to do. Here response was, "Finally!" and she began discussing what she should wear and if she should look sweet and innocent or tough and no-nonsense. I belie...
Read more

"Justice"

Image
I just finished singing my babies to sleep. This is a fairly common thing for us, but tonight there was a big, huge difference. Tonight, I sang them to sleep over facetime, because they are at their dad's. They are with him and I couldn't stop it, I couldn't fix it, and I couldn't protect them from the situation, or from him. A judge ordered that they be with him tonight and tomorrow and the next night. A judge. What is my life? I got the permanent protective order. I "won" after EIGHT HOURS at court. The longest, most tedious, most terrible day of my life thus far, but I got the protective order. It's such a sterile place, court. No emotion or humanity plays a part there. In court, I do not feel like a human being, but a subject to be studied, to be placed next to the lines in a big fat book of laws and decided about whether or not I fit the criteria for one deserving of protection based on the section and subsection and number of whichever law. It do...
Read more