Messes

He's gone, and I am free.

He's gone, and I'm heartbroken.

He's gone, and I'm confused.

He's gone, and I'm angry.

Another rollercoaster of emotions. Relief, grief, overwhelm, resentment, they roil around inside of me and outside of me in those around me. 

The kids are idealizing him and I'm glad. I think they'll be able to have a better relationship with him now that he's gone. He won't be there to be strange or unnerving or scary but also...he won't be there.

I won't ever understand what they feel. That's strange for me. I understand and fix and rescue and with this...I'm on the outside of a lot of it.

I'm helping as much as I can but they, once again, have to manage so much more than anyone should at their age. They are the beneficiaries of all he has left behind, for better or worse. I very much hope it's more better than worse. So much is unknown right now. So much to take care of and figure out. It's really big. It's really heavy. It's like he's still here weighing us down in some ways but also a weight is lifted. 

I'm also still cleaning up his messes. I'm still protecting the kids from him. I'm protecting the kids from people in his life who aren't safe. His girlfriend stresses me out. She wants a connection with them, but she isn't stable. I can't tell them not to connect with her. 

I'm so grateful for my family. My sister knows his girlfriend's past and my daughter will listen to her. At least she'll listen to someone. She's keeping me out a little bit and I kind of understand why but I also don't understand. My son is keeping it all in and distracting himself with his friends. I think it's okay right now if he does that. I don't know how to be in this a healthy way. I'm desperately wanting to fix and rescue but also trying to stay in my lane. Which lane is it? Am I going right or left? East or West? 

I'm so tired.

I have to deal with probate. I have to fix his mess again. I've gone back in time with him leaving me a mess. A mess of a house. A mess of children. A mess of legal shit to deal with. He's gone but he still won't go away.

I hate him some more.

I don't know what my life is or how to fix it or how to help my children. They are with their family right now. Theirs but not mine. I'm glad they have good family. I don't fit anywhere with this and it's okay but I don't know how to be. I only know how to clean up his messes. Over and over and over. I can't bring myself to clean my bedroom but I'll clean up his messes.

Tomorrow I have to go to his funeral and try to not hate him so the energy doesn't disturb the kids. Maybe I can cry angry tears and everyone will be fooled.

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