Real

What's real? This was an almost daily pleading and prayer I had when I was dating him. I had forgotten until I was praying this morning and asking for clarification on why I was still feeling such a strong inclination to block him completely out of my life for good. Am I overreacting? Is it really necessary? What's real? That phrase escaped into my prayer and I realized I hadn't asked that question in a long time. Since we broke up, I haven't needed to question my reality. Since we broke up, I haven't needed to doubt my intuition. Since we broke up, I haven't had anyone pointing out my flaws and telling me I wasn't good enough and telling me partial truths that I convinced myself were facts because I loved him and I trusted him and I had no reason to believe he would want anything but the best for me.

The thing is, he hated himself, so there was no way for him to truly and safely love me. He was constantly lying to himself so there was no way for him to be honest with anyone else. His performance to the world, his mask, it's his coping mechanism and I understand that. But I have seen behind the curtain. I was not afraid of it, but he was and still is and so the performance goes on. The difference now is I will no longer be an actress in his play. I will no longer allow myself to become confused about what is me and what is the character he wants me to be.

I know what is real, now, and what is real is I do not trust him and I do not respect him. I see his most recent actions and so many before that as cowardly and deceptive and that is real to me. I feel no obligation to him in any way and that is real, now. Having a concrete, unbendable boundary with him is so right. With that boundary, I have freedom from doubting my instincts. I'm no longer pulled into the performance, and I am no longer a puppet for him to play with. I know too much. I've left his stage for good.

All the moments on that stage were not miserable, though, and I can be grateful for the good parts. The adventures, the new experiences. Those were real and often good, and I'm glad for the pieces that helped me grow. 

I'm grateful for the ways he helped me. Even though all the help he gave me had his own designs and performance behind it, I'll take the good from it and scrape off the manipulation pieces. 

I'm grateful to him for pushing me away, for his deception, for showing me over and over who he was until I finally, finally believed him. I'm grateful to him for saving me from himself. 

I'm grateful to him for showing me my own insecurities and being my mirror in so many ways. I saw my own lack of boundaries in his inability to maintain healthy ones. I saw my own struggle to fully accept myself as I am in his self-loathing. I saw more of my own hero complex in his and recognized my own anxious attachment in his anxious avoidance. 

I'll keep the growth and the lessons learned and thank him for that. I'll keep the good and turn all the darkness into light. I've learned the light stays brighter longer when it takes more effort to build, and this incandescent light will be brilliant.

No one is entirely good or entirely bad. I have my share of toxic in this dance. He has his share of doing his best with what he knew. But I have taken my final bow on his stage.

Eventually, I'll want the best for him. Eventually, I'll wish for his happiness. Eventually, I'll pray for him to be healed and whole and have a safe and healthy relationship. Right now, I am not a saint, either, and the best I can do is not wish him misery. He'll have enough of that already, having lost me.

 "If we shadows have offended,
 Think but this, and all is mended--
 That you have but slumbered here
 While these visions did appear.
 And this weak and idle theme,
 No more yielding but a dream,
 Gentles, do not reprehend.
 If you pardon, we will mend.
 And, as I am an honest Puck,
 If we have unearnèd luck
 Now to ’scape the serpent’s tongue,
 We will make amends ere long.
 Else the Puck a liar call.
 So good night unto you all.
 Give me your hands if we be friends,
 And Robin shall restore amends."


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