Now What?
Five months ago, my fiance cheated on me.
Four months ago, my ex-husband overdosed and died.
Next week, I'm supposed to have my whole house packed up and ready to move.
Yesterday, my baby boy moved out and I came home to an empty house.
Last night, the guy I'm dating told me he's interested in someone else also and doesn't know what to do.
Last month, my period was a week late. I'm never more than three days off schedule. Then I had another cycle two weeks later. Then again two days later. I researched it and it said something about PCOS or thyroid issues or possibly early menopause. The main cause on every website was stress.
I made an appointment with my gynecologist.
I made an appointment with my therapist.
I've been sobbing all morning.
Now what?
I spent a lot of years pushing through the pain. I thought if I just worked harder and had more patience and became more forgiving and more loving everything would be okay. I denied everything I wanted myself and gave up my own identity to try and rescue my family. I worked so hard to be all and do all. It didn't work. I don't want to try hard anymore. I want to be able to be happy without having to fight so hard for it every moment. I want to be loved without having to beg. I tried the working hard. I worked so hard. I tried so hard. And now I'm more alone than I've ever been and I don't know where it ends.
Now what?
Good evening. I stumbled upon this blog by accident. Your current premise is astounding. I offer my sincerest apologies to you and your current dilemma. I understand the pain that one must go thru when there are extenuating circumstances that inhibit ones own personal growth. I myself have been through a gauntlet of irrational actions and circumstances that one would think were science fiction if not outright fantasy.
ReplyDeleteWhile I cannot fully fathom the circumstances that precisely ail you, I hope that you do find some measure of light that there is nothing more precious in this world than life itself. I personally believe that when one is traversing the narrow passages of life with no one upon whom to call a real friend, life can seem meaningless. It is during those dark times that one must stand the tallest, the strongest, and the most ferocious. Lest others see our trampling’s and take advantage of the situation.
Remember, you are not alone. There will always be someone by your side. There will always be someone who stands beside you whom you cannot see. Someone whom to call upon in your times of need. They may not always answer immediately, they may not always respond with the answer you are seeking. But know this, they will always give you what you need the most, and they will always give you the answer that you need.
I pray that this message finds you well. That good health and fortune bless you in your times of need. The fires of a foundry, while painful, can cast the strongest of weapons. Never forget that. While this pain and solitude may be temporary, there will come a time when you shall find happiness. And that happiness shall be sweeter than honey of the purest quality.
Hi Nathan. I'm sorry I somehow missed your comment until I happened to see it today. I admit I never planned on anyone actually reading any of these, and this entry is particularly embarrassing to be discovered by a stranger. But I do very much thank you for your kind and eloquent words, and I have since been able to conquer this particular bout of heaviness. I wish you well as you continue your own journey of conquering. All the best to you.
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