Trust

Feeling very weary today. I had to report him, yet again. I hate doing it. I hate making him accountable. I've always sucked at doing so and it hasn't gotten any easier. He needs help. He needs to be forced into treatment. He is so sick and his mind is gone and I don't know what else to do but enforce the consequences over and over and over until he wakes up or the courts wake up and order him into treatment.

I don't enjoy it. I admit, there were a couple of times he got arrested that brought such relief I actually felt good. But now it's just getting old. It's getting ridiculous. I'm not a spiteful or vindictive person. My heart aches for how sick he is, how gone he is. I don't like destroying him.

My daughter reminded me of something important today, though, as I sat filling out yet another police report with tears streaming down my cheeks. She asked me why I was crying and I told her I didn't like destroying her dad.

"You're not the one doing it, Mom. He is," she replied.

Such a wise, sweet little soul. Such an ability to recognize truth and establish reality. She is right. I still tend toward taking accountability for his actions. Even now, I blame myself for so much that is out of my control, for so much that I do not choose.

Eventually, everything will catch up with him. Eventually, he will have to pay the consequences. That doesn't bring me the happiness or even the hope it once did. I no longer trust the court system to do its job and protect the innocent. I no longer trust that anyone else will be able to keep us safe. But I am also forgiving him. Even as he does this over and over and over. Every time, I forgive him. It is who I am, how I am. That may seem exceedingly foolish, but there is a difference between forgiving and trusting. I will forgive him, but I do not nor will I ever again trust him. He could go to treatment and heal and become a perfect specimen of a man, and I will not trust him. That is how I will keep us safe; that is how I will keep myself healthy. Forgiveness can happen without trust and my trust is forever lost to him.

Until he is actually forced to face his consequences--I must believe he will be--the kids and I will take whatever measures we can for safety.

They are learning and becoming stronger, my children. The courts have ordered my son to be with his father for "regular" visitation, including overnights. I have to send him out the door, encourage him and be hopeful things will turn out alright. Each time, he has made his voice heard with his dad. He has let his dad know in no uncertain terms that he does not feel safe sleeping over with him and refuses to do so. He has let him know on some days when his dad is acting incapacitated that he does not feel safe alone without his sister and that his dad needs to arrange supervision so his sister can be there. He enforces his boundaries with his dad. I'm exceedingly proud of him. This is a new skill for him, and he is learning. He is growing.

My daughter has never had a problem telling her dad off when she feels her boundaries are being crossed. She tells him off a lot. I think he maybe fears her a little bit. That's okay with me. It might even be beneficial to him as he doesn't understand respect, but he does understand fear. I'd rather have her be vocal about what she feels than the opposite. We'll work on reigning her in a bit once her father is no longer a threat to her. But for now, I say, you go, girl.

I'm learning as well. I'm learning I still have trouble creating and maintaining boundaries, especially with men. I'm learning that I still do get intimidated sometimes and allow myself to be talked over, walked over. I'm learning those are still parts of me that I give in to at times, and I'm learning how to stop listening to them. But they're still there. Awareness is the first step to healing.

I'll work on it, with my children as my amazing examples. I'll work on it, and I'll win.

And I'll soar.