Micki's Musings

I play a silly game when I get hurt. We all play it. I play a game where I pretend I am the victim and there is everything wrong with the person who hurt me. I play that game on the outside because the reality hurts too much at first. After I have some time to process, after I take some time to see what's real, I face my true pain inside of myself.  I went to the temple praying for healing and peace. I sat throught the endowment session trying to focus on the beauty of the ordinance, but my mind was swirling with how I had been wronged. I asked for help to cleanse my spirit of the energy, but I hadn't yet released my grip on my victimhood. I got to the last part of the session and opened my heart even more. I always feel a cleansing there. I feel something transforming me in ways I don't comprehend. I don't understand it, but I open myself to it anyway and allow it to flood my soul and heal and empower me. I stood there sobbing as He spoke to the part of me I thought I ...

What's real? This was an almost daily pleading and prayer I had when I was dating him. I had forgotten until I was praying this morning and asking for clarification on why I was still feeling such a strong inclination to block him completely out of my life for good. Am I overreacting? Is it really necessary? What's real? That phrase escaped into my prayer and I realized I hadn't asked that question in a long time. Since we broke up, I haven't needed to question my reality. Since we broke up, I haven't needed to doubt my intuition. Since we broke up, I haven't had anyone pointing out my flaws and telling me I wasn't good enough and telling me partial truths that I convinced myself were facts because I loved him and I trusted him and I had no reason to believe he would want anything but the best for me. The thing is, he hated himself, so there was no way for him to truly and safely love me. He was constantly lying to himself so there was no way for him to be h...

Stop taking things from me. That's what I heard over and over. That's where the pain was coming from. I knew I wasn't in love with him anymore. I knew I had already mourned the life we were going to have together. So why did it still feel so miserable to find out he had moved on so quickly? I felt so confused all day about my emotions. They reeled back and forth and all around trying to find footing and understanding, but then I finally got in a good cry and felt another piece of me shatter to make way for more growth. I searched the space inside the shards and found the part of me that needed to be heard. The pain wasn't from jealousy or wanting anything with him. The pain was a compounding effect from him and all the other men before him who took what I so freely gave and didn't cherish it, didn't honor it, didn't protect it. They took what they didn't deserve and they took what they didn't earn. That was the pain. I was angry at them all for takin...

Settled. It's the best description of how I feel right now. The boxes are unpacked or stored. The items are organized. The illness has passed. The mindset has shifted. Things are settled once again. More settled than they have been in a really long time.  So many burdens are lighter, now. The storm that encompassed me a couple of weeks ago has passed. Things are resolving. I am in my own space in a lot of ways. In more ways than I ever have been before. I'm still Mama. I'll always and forever be Mama. Every day at least one of my kids calls to ask questions or update me on goings on. I love that so much. I love that they want me to be involved and I also love that they are figuring out their own spaces in their own ways. I'm also daughter again. I've always been daughter but my dad gave me a hug today and told me he loved me and my mom thanked me for helping with this and that around the house. I'm daughter but I'm also daughter/friend.  I'm single also....