Knock Out

He is just a man. Absence made the heart more fearful for a while. I turned him into an overpowering monster in my head. I gave him strength he did not have and power he did not actually possess. He is not a monster; he is very sick and very afraid, and reacting to his stress the only way he knows how. He has caused his greatest fears to come true, just as I did. He feared losing the kids and me above all else, and the fear has overcome him to such a degree that he has actually lost his mind. Now he sees things that are not real and blames me for all of it to provide justification for what he does as he is controlled by his fear. I pray for him. I weep for him. I must protect myself and our children from him, for though he is not a monster, he is also not safe.

I experienced a small respite after I filed the protective order against him last week, but then for a few days I started losing my own mind not knowing what he was doing or how he was feeling. Even with all the harassment and emotional trauma I received at his hands before, at least I knew when to be worried and when I could relax. I still, even after all that has happened, yearned to give him power over me. He hasn't told me what to think, how to feel, and who to be for over a week, now, and I'm just barely figuring out how much that has been affecting me. I only just realized him not having that power was part of why I felt incomplete.

That need I blogged about a few days ago was not a healthiness. That anger was confusion about why I needed others to complete me because I was still trying to give him control and not realizing it. Each time I think I have something figured out, I am shown there is much more to learn and much more to heal. I still feel the strings, the attachment, but the realization of how attached to him I still am is allowing those strings to fray and become weak. I have endured over a decade of manipulation and emotional abuse, and it's not going to heal in a few days, or even a few months. I might be fighting this battle for the rest of my life. But knowing my enemy, realizing what it is I am facing, understanding why I'm feeling the way I feel, that is empowering,

and such a relief.

Confusion, for me, is even more debilitating than fear. I recognize and know fear, and I know multiple ways to overcome it. But confusion, lack of understanding, throws me about and makes me dizzy. I'd rather feel anxiety than disorientation. This phase of my progress does feel a little more steady, however. At first, the highs and lows were too extreme. I felt like I could take on the world, and then like I could barely survive it. Things are beginning to even out a little more, now. I don't swing back and forth as quickly and intensely. I'm also sleeping better and my appetite has returned.

Even though this part of our journey is more chaotic and terrifying than anything else thus far, I am working my way through. Steadily plodding forward, still fighting for my happy with laughter in my eyes. It's not a maniacal bark of a laugh anymore, but more of a chuckle. An acknowledging nod that yes, life is dealing me blows, and they hurt me to my core, but I will not fall. The adversary has a powerful left hook, but in the end, I will be the one with the knock-out punch. I know this, because I am not alone in the ring.

I will rely on the One who has already triumphed over all, who has already overcome the world and the adversary along with it. To Him will I turn my eyes, in Him will I place my trust, on His shoulders will I rest my burdens, and into His hands--His strong, scarred, beautiful hands that were pierced and bled for me--will I place my children, myself, and even my husband. My Savior will fight alongside me, and, more often than not, He will fight for me. This is the reason I will absorb each and every sucker punch that comes my way, wipe the blood from my brow, my chin, my cheek, and smile. Each scar will make me stronger. Each blow will build me up, and I will never fall again, for I have my Savior before me, beside me, behind me, to forever hold me up.