Thank you, next

The wisdom of true friends.

When I look back on my experience, I won't be as proud of the experience if I stay. There are aspects of the old me that are still clinging on and this represents that. This is taking up space in my life that could be taken by someone else or other things that are more ready and available to me.

It's a life jacket I don't really need, and I'm not building the muscles and skills I could develop by taking it off. It was training wheels that helped a lot, but now it's time to let them go if they are not willing to grow with me. Instead of missing what I could lose, look at all I can gain. Make space and don't allow it to be taken by things that don't need to be there anymore.

Pay attention to my speech and body when I am in a space and how it feels. That will show me truth. 

Time to stop tolerating the punches.


Added 7/9/25

He dismissed me from his life so quickly and completely. I think that's what hurts the most. We were best friends for six months. More than best friends. We were partners, enmeshed in each others' lives. We knew everything about each other, more than most people had ever known. We knew we probably weren't going to be each others' forever person, so it's not as much that we aren't a part of each others' lives anymore, it's the abrupt way it happened. He seemed to almost be looking forward to me going away, like I was some kind of burden. He seemed to immediately dismiss all we had been for each other the very day I left the island. That's what hurts, feeling dismissed to make room for something more toxic than me because having everything he claimed he wanted wasn't actually what he wanted.

This is all too familiar to me, and I'm weary of it.

I was telling a friend and myself yesterday that it feels so nice to not be recovering from a man right now. Then my dream last night and my thoughts this morning let me know I'm still recovering a little bit, so I needed to write it out. 

I do feel different, though, than I have before. I don't want to ever have to get over a man again. I likely will, a few more times, but I am enjoying and appreciating my current life where I am not being hurt by someone who is supposed to be my safest space. I am open to finding a partner, but I am also open to not finding one. This is different for me, because up to this point I have always expected to find someone. Now, I expect it less. There are some wonderful men out there who are great as friends but either not ready or not willing for more. I appreciate them for what they can safely be in my life and am being conscientious about not allowing them to shift that boundary. That's the new thing, the boundary.

I used to give any man a chance who wanted one. And even gave a chance to some who didn't want one. Now, I filter them through my healthy partner lense and I see how we should remain just friends. There are some I would allow past the friend filter, but they don't seem to want it, so that means they don't get to pass it, either. 

I know what value I have to offer. I have some flaws and weaknesses and am working to build myself into the kind of person I would want to have as a partner. I also know that any man would be lucky to have me exactly as I am now, because I am emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually intelligent; I'm kind, fun, sexy, adventurous, affectionate, compassionate, faithful, devoted, driven, optimistic, playful...so many things so many men say they want until they have it within their grasp and become frightened and run away from true happiness because they aren't ready or don't feel like they deserve it. Maybe someday I'll find someone else with the courage to want to keep each other. Until then, I'll be happy and complete as I am, while also working for more and better. 

Because that's who I am and I love her.

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