Still

I'm still afraid.

I'm writing a book about how fear has become my compass, but it doesn't have an ending. I'm still afraid and still lost. I wanted to know what was next for me after this by now. I've been in a beautiful place doing beautiful things and healing in beautiful ways, but I'm still afraid. What is it trying to show me? I'm afraid to stay AND I'm afraid to go. I'm afraid to try to find a job that will trap me in one place and I'm afraid to create something I will be entirely in control of. Success or failure are equally terrifying and equally as relevant and possible in my current situation.

I thought I found the perfect job for me but I didn't get it. I thought I had a good game plan but it doesn't feel like enough. How do I exist for just myself? I hear "help those most vulnerable" but how? I don't want to be trapped. I want to keep running. I'm afraid of creating anything real because it will go away. If I'm just partway in, I can keep it at a safe distance. I don't know how to feel like I have a purpose alone. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm also afraid of being with someone who doesn't see me. Who doesn't cherish me and protect me. And who doesn't remember me.

Write. That's the only thing I know. Write. So I'll write. Write and create. And keep looking through afraid until it shows me something real.

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