Micki's Musings

The wisdom of true friends. When I look back on my experience, I won't be as proud of the experience if I stay. There are aspects of the old me that are still clinging on and this represents that. This is taking up space in my life that could be taken by someone else or other things that are more ready and available to me. It's a life jacket I don't really need, and I'm not building the muscles and skills I could develop by taking it off. It was training wheels that helped a lot, but now it's time to let them go if they are not willing to grow with me. Instead of missing what I could lose, look at all I can gain. Make space and don't allow it to be taken by things that don't need to be there anymore. Pay attention to my speech and body when I am in a space and how it feels. That will show me truth.  Time to stop tolerating the punches.

I'm still afraid. I'm writing a book about how fear has become my compass, but it doesn't have an ending. I'm still afraid and still lost. I wanted to know what was next for me after this by now. I've been in a beautiful place doing beautiful things and healing in beautiful ways, but I'm still afraid. What is it trying to show me? I'm afraid to stay AND I'm afraid to go. I'm afraid to try to find a job that will trap me in one place and I'm afraid to create something I will be entirely in control of. Success or failure are equally terrifying and equally as relevant and possible in my current situation. I thought I found the perfect job for me but I didn't get it. I thought I had a good game plan but it doesn't feel like enough. How do I exist for just myself? I hear "help those most vulnerable" but how? I don't want to be trapped. I want to keep running. I'm afraid of creating anything real because it will go away. If I...