Micki's Musings

I have experienced a lot of identity shifting in recent weeks. My fiance gave up on us. The father of my children died. My youngest graduated high school. "Just one of those events would derail someone," my therapist said. But I am not someone. I am everything for everyone. And so I am no one. All of the parts of me that used to fit are cracking into pieces and falling away and I don't know how to shape what's underneath. I've had so much doubt and confusion. I've had so much anger.  I've felt so afraid. My foundation has shaken and crumbled to expose what's underneath. And after and during the storm is the sun. It's my darkness and my conversion story. I'm getting a chance to prove what I really want. One choice at a time, moment by moment, I veer one way or another. It's up to me, now. Growing pains hurt. And they make me more than I was before. Naked Nothing fits right now So I've taken it all off And now I'm exposed Vulnerable A...

He's gone, and I am free. He's gone, and I'm heartbroken. He's gone, and I'm confused. He's gone, and I'm angry. Another rollercoaster of emotions. Relief, grief, overwhelm, resentment, they roil around inside of me and outside of me in those around me.  The kids are idealizing him and I'm glad. I think they'll be able to have a better relationship with him now that he's gone. He won't be there to be strange or unnerving or scary but also...he won't be there. I won't ever understand what they feel. That's strange for me. I understand and fix and rescue and with this...I'm on the outside of a lot of it. I'm helping as much as I can but they, once again, have to manage so much more than anyone should at their age. They are the beneficiaries of all he has left behind, for better or worse. I very much hope it's more better than worse. So much is unknown right now. So much to take care of and figure out. It's really big...