Micki's Musings

Usually, I sing because I'm happy. I sing because I'm feeling so light and carefree and joyful that the feeling bursts out of me and I annoy my kids by bouncing around the house and belting out a Disney ballad or a popular pop song that they used to love but now will hate forever. Today, I sang because I didn't know what else to do. I don't remember the last time I had a panic attack. It's been at least two years, I think, since that full on, can't catch my breath, mind is spinning, I don't feel safe feeling took over. I don't know why it came. I mean, the world is in the middle of a pandemic, electoral chaos, division and strife galore, but my own personal world is actually going pretty dang well. I did just break up with someone, but only after a few weeks of dating. I am still recuperating from catching the virus that has flipped the world on its head, so there's that. I guess I need to give myself a little more grace as far as realizing there are...

I still mourn every so often for the life I thought I'd have. The life I ought to have. I know it's dangerous to think that way, and I don't let myself occupy that space for too long, but it creeps up sometimes and I allow it a moment. It's a valid, real thing, to be sad I couldn't keep what I wanted so badly. Tonight, I dropped my son off to be with a friend in the neighborhood we used to live in. It's not far from where we live now, and being there doesn't usually bother me. But tonight, families were strolling down the sidewalks, neighbors were chatting on front lawns, the sun was setting on a beautiful summer night, and I remembered when that used to be us. The place we live now is also beautiful and peaceful and full of neighbors to chat with, but there's something special about that old place that can't be replicated or replaced. It was supposed to be home forever. Now it's gone. It helps a bit to remember that it was mostly all pr...

Some time ago, I had a fascinating experience in the temple . I love that place. It truly is a space where we can commune with God more closely than most other places on the earth. The veil is thin there. I have felt connections with loved ones gone before, loved ones still to come, and increased connections with loved ones here on earth as I have worshiped within those hallowed halls. During a temple session, I connected with a far distant, but oh so precious relative of mine: Eve. It's no secret that part of the temple ordinances pertain to the creation and the experiences of Adam and Eve. Throughout this particular session, I felt I understood her on a deeper, more personal level than ever before, so much so that I saw myself as Eve. It was as if I was the one who chose to eat the fruit and make those commitments to God. It was a beautiful, sacred experience. At the time, I felt I was just getting a glimpse of a much greater message that Heavenly Father wanted to com...

We're in the middle of a worldwide pandemic from the COVID-19 virus. It's been fascinating to watch the various reactions and responses by individuals and government entities. It's been fascinating to watch the responses of myself and my children. It sent us spinning into trauma mode there for a little bit, particularly when we found out we wouldn't be returning to school at all this year. That was tough. The daughter and I both cried. The son went to his bedroom for a couple of days. We all retreated into our survival spaces and had some unhealthy behavior patterns reemerge. But we fought through it like we always do, and now we're readjusting to this new normal. It really brings out the worst and then the best in us. Here are a couple of things I've learned about myself as a result of being trapped inside the house and inside of my head: 1. I still have a lot to work through. As I have been forced to occupy my mind more often, I've discovered some...

I just read through a few of my past blog posts. I almost don't recognize that person. She breaks my heart a little bit, and I want to make sure she never has to go back to those spaces again. I have vastly different perspectives and mindsets and coping mechanisms, now. I feel...healthy. I'm so grateful I have documented what I have documented. I'm so grateful for the work I have put into things and the continuing progress I am making. I can be there for other people on a much larger scale, and I can do so in a healthier space than I have ever occupied before. This blesses them and myself much more effectively. Now, I'm in a space where our biggest traumas and trials are teenage angst, battles with grades, and troubles with friendship. I argue with my daughter, get exasperated with my son, and underneath it all--I'm kind of having fun. I've said it before and I'll say it forever: perspective is powerful. Having known how it feels to fear for the safety o...

Seven weeks ago, I tore a ligament in my ankle. (I was dancing, of course.) Immediately after I hurt it, I waited for the pain to dissipate as it often does soon after a tug on the muscles. This time, the pain did not go away and my ankle started to swell. Usually, I can shake off the hurt and go about my business. This time, I required crutches. For two days. Then, I had to wear a brace. For three weeks. Even now, my ankle is still tender and many movements are limited. From the outside, I look fine and no one can tell my ankle is hurt. But I can tell. If I try to move it a certain way, it yells at me. If I push it too hard, it swells again. I pay attention to what kind of pain it is and decide if it's something I need to stretch out and work through, or if it's something I need to rest. While it is annoying to have a hurt ankle and not be able to do all the things in all the ways, I also don't expect it to suddenly get all better. Immediately after I injured it, I didn...

I attended a friend's birthday celebration today. On Saturday I'll be celebrating with another dear friend. Both of these women are near my age and both of them possess a sort of ageless beauty and energy. It brings to mind how I've told people recently, "I'm getting younger with age." So are they. Age is just a number and does not need to define us. There are a few things I've noticed that have crept upon me as my personal timeline has extended, however: Wounds take twice as long to heal. Sleeping on the floor is no longer comfortable. Sleeping sounds more fun than partying (but still not more fun than dancing.) Junk food sticks more stubbornly (and quickly!) around my midsection and refuses to go away. I can no longer eat chocolate for breakfast (and lunch and dinner) if I want to function very far from a bathroom. I have actually stated the phrase, "Oh, my aching back," and meant it. I cannot rest immediately after exercising...if I wa...