Micki's Musings

I love people. I love getting to know them and making new friends. I love being social and going to activities and feeding off of energy. I love serving people. I love talking with people on a deeper level and sharing our hearts with each other. I love vulnerability. I love that I'm in a place now where I can differentiate between healthy versus unhealthy energy and protect myself accordingly while still loving in a safe way. A few weeks ago I made a new friend. She was a fleeting friend, one I only spoke with for a few minutes one day. She is also a single mom, recently divorced, and we shared just glimpses of our stories with each other. She shared how she is not dating right now in order to be there for her kids, how her kids have expressed that they like that it is just them and her, how they feel safe in that space. I told her that was wonderful she could provide that safe space for them, but that she also needed to recognize her own needs and take care of herself. She looke...

High anxiety day today. Lots to do like always. Lots to think about like always. Spinning, though. Spinny spinny spinning. The whys: My Rogue streak might be cancer. Wish I knew for sure. Doctor appointment pending. I don't think it is, but my nurse friend said I should get it looked at. Why has no one else said anything until now? I found out it's a condition called poliosis and can be caused by a variety of things, most of which are benign, but one of the causes is cancer. I'm trying not to worry. Can't do anything about it right now, right? But it's in my brain, now. Literally, maybe. I'm poor. Dirt poor. I'm working so hard to cut expenses, but I can't make it through a month without incurring at least a teeny bit of debt, even with help with all kinds of things. I owe money for faculty dues, school fees for my daughter, my son wants to do the drama play this year. It's only twenty-five dollars. Twenty-five dollars might as well be a thousa...

All the things again. Monday, I woke to discover 50 people had died in a mass shooting in Vegas. My sister lives in Vegas. My other sister and a bunch of my friends were in Vegas at a concert the night before the shooting, at the very hotel the shooter was found. Life. This afternoon, my student passed out in my arms and I had to leave her on the bathroom floor to run and get help. She's going to be okay, but my students are my babies and it scared me. This evening, a different student who had been fighting for her life this week joined her Heavenly Father. I lost one of my babies and my heart hurts. Oh yeah, and my friend asked me to marry him. Men. All the life things. I'm glad it was an at-home day today. I don't get those very often, but I got to be at home today after school. I cried for my student and her family; I shook my head at people and relationships and how messy they are. I considered what I can do to save the world. How to spread light and love. How...

I'm experiencing a perspective shift. A new phase is beginning for me. After the ex's latest attack, after my latest trigger, I made some decisions. I shall no longer fear him. I shall no longer see him as a monster. I've wanted this perspective shift for some time, now. I've been working toward it, conscientiously striving to forgive and be realistic in my perceptions of who and what he truly is. I do not minimize his problems or make excuses for him. He is still mentally ill, but I can finally truly see that he has only the power that I give to him. I also see that my children are more powerful in the wisdom and insight they've gained. They are strong enough to handle him. I still wish they didn't have to be. I still wish my children had a healthy father who could be a safe, reliable space, but wishing for things does not make them real. Instead of wishing for what is not, I shall use the power of what is. Now, I shall encourage my children to be an example ...

The universe has a way of keeping things in balance. I've learned this and life tends to make sure I never forget it. I had a few weeks of calm, of peace, so of course, in come the storms, both literal and figurative.  Tropical storms, earthquakes, fires, wars and rumors of wars leaving such destruction. My dear friend finding out she has stage three cancer. My student in the hospital with a life-threatening illness. My ex having another episode, blaming me for his problems, and taking me to court again. So many in such conflict politically, emotionally, physically. Chaos. Utter chaos. Yesterday, I trembled with the weight of it. I literally trembled, my body convulsing with the battle that raged within me. My old instincts tell me to break and run and be afraid. My new instincts know I have all the powers and nothing to fear. Of course this comes, now. I was in the eye of the storm for a while. The winds buffeted me a little bit, but I laughed at them because they had no power....

It's been nice getting to know you. I thought I knew you before, but I was only acquainted with your surface. Now, as I've come to know your deep and dark recesses, you've also shown me the heights of your beauty and grandeur. My senses are more acute, my insights more broad. Sunsets are more vibrant and foods taste more delicious. Spending time with my children and my family feeds my soul once again. I feel and see and hear so much more than I used to. I live, now. I don't merely survive. The other day, I sat on the back porch of my friend's home waiting for him to finish a project. He has a wall of boulders in his backyard and I felt like climbing them, so I did. This week is Homecoming week at my school and each day is a different dress-up day. I felt like dressing up in crazy outfits along with the students, so I did. At a restaurant the other night there was a table full of teenage girls wearing animal costumes next to us. I felt like making friends with them...

I'm not afraid to be in my own head anymore. For a while, a long while, I could only feel safe in my own head when I was writing. The rest of the time I ran away from my head. Too many thoughts, feelings, too much spinning. I didn't realize how much I ran away from my own head until I stopped. I live 45 minutes away from the nearest city. Yesterday, I drove all the way down to town and all the way back in silence. I used to always need distraction: music, listening to stories, chatting on the phone. None of those things are unhealthy, but I used them to distract, to run away. Yesterday, on my way to and from town, I thought about life, people, dreams, God. I thought about what I want to have, who I want to be. I thought about how to get and be those things. I remember things better, now, too. I remember things on my list that I forgot.   I remember things people tell me about themselves. I remember to think of others in general. There is more space in my head when I spend...