Confusingly Peaceful

Such an oddly transient space in which I currently find myself. Deciding to move to Hawaii held an energy of hope, a confidence that there, I would find the answers and be directed to the next phase of my life. And maybe I did, but it's not clear. I thought it would be clear. Nothing is currently clear.

And yet, I have a sense of peace that makes no sense.

I'm working three different random jobs, none of which make enough money for me to actually survive.

I'm in my 40s and living with my parents.

I keep getting turned down for jobs and opportunities I thought would be perfect for me.

I feel torn between choosing a space here closer to my children and following my dreams of living in tropical paradise. 

I'm so very, very single.

But at the same time, I know it's all going to be okay.

I feel like something else is on its way, and for whatever reason, I am supposed to be in this transient space in order to have room and be ready for it.

But what is it that I'm supposed to be preparing for? And in the meantime, what do I do?

I serve. I take my grandparents to the doctor so my mom can have a break and get some shopping done. I spend time cultivating friendships and creating connections with new and old relationships. I fulfill callings in my church and go to work with my son. I listen to my daughter figure out her own future and learn how to better communicate with all the people around me. 

I kind of try to kind of date.

I write my book.

I procrastinate writing my book by writing in my journal.

I write my book some more.

I feel scared of sharing my ideas and experiences with the world in such a vulnerable way and do it anyway because that's literally the theme of my book.

I stay open to the opportunities God presents to me and hope and pray I can hear and see and notice when he nudges and calls and shouts and shoves me toward what He knows will bring me joy.

I'm so grateful for Him. I'm so grateful for joy.

And I'm grateful for a confusing peace that makes no sense, but it's here, and I'll take it.


Update: I just read through some of my previous journal entries and am so grateful for the lessons I teach myself. In the 24 entry, I reminded myself that I am whole and complete and joyful now. "I no longer have to wait until this thing or that thing to feel this way or that way. It's here every day all the time. " That was true then and it's true now. All the pieces are there, even if I can't clearly see them. I just have to dust away at the layers a little. But it's all there, right now. Whole and complete and beautiful and powerful and abundant. I'm not missing anything and nothing is wrong. It's just about the doing.

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