Micki's Musings

“I love you,” I tell her. She asks, “Why?” I can’t grasp just one reason in the geyser of thoughts that come to mind   a shy smile, spontaneous laugh determination, ambition  honesty and insight an independent spirit and intelligent mind adorable quirks and quick wit the first time seeing her slimy, screaming face and thinking she was the most beautiful thing in the world “I love you,” I say, “for all of the reasons, and even if those reasons all go away. You don’t have to do anything to earn my love for you. It will always be there, forever and ever.” Just exist, Boo, and I love you.

I can still hear that little girl inside of me trying to say something. I still can't figure out exactly what it is she's trying to say. I like that she isn't giving up, though. I'm determined to hear her, and she's determined to be heard. It's been another crazy week. I've been prepping the students for testing, administering the testing, and working on planning for my trip. All the spare evening moments have been spent with my family because my sister is in town that we never get to see. The family part isn't stressful. It's fun. But it also hasn't allowed for many quiet moments. I was supposed to start taking more quiet moments. I haven't been sleeping well again. I toss and turn and have bad dreams. It's annoying. This morning has been my first opportunity all week to breathe a little bit, and my body is crashing again because I didn't give it a break again. I woke up with a cold sore. My cough is coming back a little bit. I meant...

This picture is full of love.  I’m still struggling to get rid of my cough, so I stayed home and watched church on TV today, but many gathered in person, and I felt their joy in that gathering.  I sipped some ginger honey lemon tea to soothe my throat, using a mug I received from a loving (and hilarious) friend. (Still have no idea who sent it to me.)  I cuddled with a blanket I received from another sweet friend. I enjoyed my cute manicure done for me by some other sweet friends. I feel God’s love through the messages he gives and the angels he sends.  These peaceful moments seem too few and far between. I'll seek them more often. It’s nice to feel love and feel loved. 

I am learning. Little by little the layers are falling away, and my vision is becoming more clear. I had a really nice weekend. I didn’t think it was going to be as nice as it was, because I’m still very sick. There’s something about the sunshine, the water, that rejuvenates me. I’ll be feeling miserable, and then step outside, and immediately I can breathe. Sunshine feeds me. Nature feeds me. Water fuels me, more than I ever realized before. I need this. I have to figure out how to get it more often. I spent time with my girlfriends this weekend, and my dear friend did a reiki session on me. It helped. I feel less burdened. I also feel more determined, like I have clearer vision for what I need to do. It includes meditation, stillness. I have to give my mind a break. I felt a deeper connection with my Heavenly Father than I have felt in a long time. I also felt my angels on the other side of the veil. They’re close. They’re always close. I need to seek stillness. I need to make it int...

I'm really sick. It was inevitable. I keep doing this to myself. Running myself into the ground until my body forces me to stop because I won't stop on my own. Except I couldn't stop this week. I've been sick since Monday, but I've still been trucking along. Because I'm a lunatic. I did take Tuesday off of work. I woke up Tuesday morning and could barely walk, so I called in sick. Teaching has to be one of the worst jobs to call in sick, because I still had to prepare a lesson plan with my fuzzy brain, all the while knowing that it will pretty much be a waste of a class period anyway because other people aren't as invested as I am in getting the students to learn what they need to learn. I still had to go to work Tuesday night because literally no on else can do my ACT prep job. To call in sick there is to reschedule and reorganize lots of people, and possibly lose money for the college, so I muscled through Tuesday night, sick. I muscled through Wednesday d...

General Conference helped this weekend. It gave me an opportunity to be still. To listen. To focus. To remember. I remembered a little bit why I care. I remembered a little bit why it's important to try. It feels nice. It feels better. For one of the sessions, we went outside. My daughter is sick, so we didn't join the rest of the family at my parents' house for the Sunday sessions, and I'm glad. I love my family. I love the children running around and their little voices ringing out and the mamas whispering to them to behave and the dads softly snoring. I love that, but I needed to not be in it today. I needed only my kids and me, outside on the lawn in the sunshine.  The sun shined today. It feels like it hasn't shined in years, but it shined today, and I felt it and pulled it around me and let it hold me. We listened to one of the conference sessions outside in the sunshine. While I listened, I watched. I watched the ants crawling and exploring. I watched the bi...

 I feel it in my stomach.  In the small of my back, and between my shoulder blades. “Excitement and anxiety are both just surges of emotion,” my therapist tells me. “You decide what emotion to assign the energy.” It makes sense. So I try. And I don’t know how to make the surge of emotion not make me feel like I want to scream or cry or turn it all off because it’s too big so I just sit and stare and be nothing. Excitement doesn’t feel like that.

I can't remember why I care about things. I can't remember things in general. I woke up this morning, desperate to write, desperate to release, and now the words are gone. There's a juxtaposition of numbness and desperation going on inside me right now that feels dangerous. It reminds me too much of how things used to be for so long, and I'm struggling to understand why it's coming back. I have glimpses of clarity that allow me to focus and figure things out, but they're not consistent, not constant. I know I'm overwhelmed, but I'm always overwhelmed. I know I'm insane, but I've been insane for so long. Why is this happening now? I do have a theory. From too many experiences, I know that, when I’m in crisis, I don't panic or shutdown immediately. I shift into Go Mode. I make sure that everything I need to do is done, that everyone I care about is safe, and then I crash. Go into shock, hyperventilate, shake uncontrollably, laugh hysterically, ...