Micki's Musings

After publishing my last blog post, I couldn't stop thinking about how precious and beautiful my connections with some people have become, so I wanted to expound on it a little more. Last night, I reconnected with some good friends that I shared some special experiences with a little while ago. These people, who I really barely know, have opened up their hearts to me and I to them. We have only spent a total of about three days together, but we are family now. We forged a bond by sharing our authentic selves with one another, and that is priceless to me. Once again, I had the opportunity to witness their growth and be part of another significant moment with them. This fed my spirit. Something similar happened a few days ago as I was struggling through my latest horrible day and decided to reach out to someone else I barely knew but felt prompted to connect with. I ended up laughing and smiling for a full two hours at the end of one of the worst days of my life because we took ...

"I've learned that people will forget what you said,  people will forget what you did,  but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~Maya Angelou~ This week should have been one of the hardest of my life. Five days ago, I was manipulated once again by his threats, which were more dangerous than ever before. Two days later, same thing. But it was different this week than it has been in the past. Yes, it affected me, and yes, I was worried and overwhelmed for a while, but each time he tries his tactics with me, they are a little less effective. Each time he threatens, I feel a little less fear. Each time he begs, I feel a little less guilt. Every day, I feel like I am coming back to life a little bit more. A lot of things are contributing to this phenomenon. Time and distance are major factors. I am moving forward with my life. I have new plans, new goals, and new perspectives to explore. But this week, the thing that helped me most was surprising...

My daughter is a spitfire. She is twelve years old and small for her age (people often ask if she and her ten-year-old brother are twins), but boy does she make up for her size in personality and attitude, and I love her for it. Around strangers she is super shy, and it takes her a while to warm up and trust other people. Once you are in her circle of trust, however, you get the opportunity to observe her clever, powerful personality--and it's dazzling. On the flip side, when she's irritated, stressed, or anxious, she can let loose with a string of invectives that would make even a sailor cringe. While I lecture her on disrespect and punish her with groundings and soap in her mouth, I also slightly admire her. Raising my little knothead can be a challenge I don't feel up for some days, but I recently realized I have a lot to learn from her. Disrespecting others is never okay, and she must learn that, but she has always been able to stand up for herself with her dad. H...

"Write hard and clear about what hurts." ~Ernest Hemingway~ Most of the time lately, I feel pretty good. I feel strong and able and even excited to face the challenges in front of me, because they are finally new and unknown and include more steps toward my own freedom and growth. But every once-in-a-while, I feel a little off-kilter. Sometimes, especially right when I'm trying to fall asleep at night, I'll get hit with this sense of fear and doubt. It's a huge brick wall of anxiety that slams into me and all I can do is think, "How in the world am I going to do this? Why did I ever think I could tackle this insurmountable obstacle? What am I going to do to make enough money, provide the things needed, fill in the holes left by my decision?" It's enough to keep me up well into the night with worry. When I'm finally able to get a grip on myself, I breathe, pray, and remind myself I am doing the right thing, the best thing. But oh my goodn...

I still love my soon-to-be ex-husband. It's a strange but real truth. I love him for being the father of my amazing children. I love him for being the kind of man who is willing to sacrifice his life for our country. I love him for all the precious and joyful moments we have shared. I love him for his loyalty, his determination, and his strong work ethic. I love him for all of his good and positive qualities, and even for some of the things that make him quirky and weird. I will always love him for these things. And this is why I know that my decision to divorce him is right. I am not acting out of hatred, frustration, or even fear. I am not reacting to one thing that has happened or even a bunch of things that have happened. My decision is based on prayer, meditation, and careful consideration. My decision is based on watching myself wilt and crumble beneath the weight of his disabilities and obsessive behaviors. My decision is based on watching my children...

I feel like an emotional yo-yo. Yesterday was awful, and then great, and then nerve-wracking again. I'm being yanked back and forth by what other people decide to do, or given peace when they decide it's time for me to have peace. I'm drained physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and it's time to take myself back. It's much easier said than done, though. Being a codependent person means truly relying on others for my sense of worth, my sense of peace, even my sense of being . I've been working on this for years and thought I had gotten better at not letting others yank me around, only to find out that I'm as bad as ever. It's unnerving, but also enlightening to see how much farther I have to go, because at least now I know. Now I know I'm still being thrown about, that I'm still that puppet on a string. Yes, that's a frustrating thing, but I have to know the string is there before I can cut it, before I can take control of it myself a...

And though she be but little, she is fierce. ~William Shakespeare,  A Midsummer Night's Dream~ I had a really good therapy appointment last night. I love therapy. I recommend it to EVERYONE, even you less-than-crazies. Actually, in my experience, the ones who know they're crazy are probably less crazy than the ones who don't think they're crazy, 'cause we all a little loopy in our own way. So those of you who don't think you need therapy, I'm a little worried for you. Anyway, last night I filled my therapist in on the latest rollercoaster ride of my life, and she helped me realize something amazing: I have faced my biggest fears. That sounds so simple as a statement, but to actually accomplish it--wow. I was terrified for so long of the repercussions of filing for divorce that my fears dominated all my decisions. And guess what? Every one of my fears came true. I worried he would be very upset--which he was. I worried he would fight me for t...

Failure is just life trying to move us in another direction. ~Oprah Winfrey~ I have failed. It's strange to admit that and not find it utterly depressing. I gave everything I had and more than I ever thought I could. I put my whole heart and soul into something I felt worth it, and, for a long time, helped it survive. But at the end of it all, I have thoroughly, completely, and absolutely failed. But you know what comes as a result of this colossal failure? Freedom. It's a strange thing to put your whole soul into something and watch it crumble, even as you work desperately to pile up the pieces and try to force them back together again. There is a sort of shocking existential experience when you realize how your entire focus and efforts have been pointed in completely the wrong direction. For me, it was like imagining myself appearing one way, and looking in the mirror and seeing something completely different. Not just in the way that happens as we age, and we for...

Something new and beautiful is sparking back to life inside of me.  It is small, but strong, and determined never to be snuffed out again.  Hello Hope, my old friend.  I have missed you. ~Micki's Musings 1/4/16~ I am now a statistic. I always abhorred the idea of being this kind of statistic. Honestly, that thought alone got me through some tough times. "I will NOT be a statistic. I will NOT be one of those  people." Super judgy, I know, but my truth in certain moments. And now, here I am, part of a statistic of failure. I have employed the d-word. The word that I banned from my vocabulary the moment I said "yes" to the one person I thought would be the love of my life and part of my happily-ever-after. I am getting a DIVORCE. It's all still very fresh and new. We are still in the midst of the negotiations, the custody arguments, the accusations, the not knowing what will happen next. I am not made for this world I am living in right now. I ...