Micki's Musings

Yesterday, I was finally able to get the rest of my belongings from my old home. It's a beautiful home. My dream home, in fact. I designed it, with a very open floor plan, a huge pantry, a massive kitchen island. The colors are deep and peaceful and warm. There's a gas fireplace that's very cozy in the winters, and lots of windows to let in the natural light. The bedrooms are large, and the master closet is a walk-in wonder. The back yard opens up to the mountains, and it feels like a limitless play space for fun and exploration. I love that home. I put my soul into that home. And now, it's gone along with everything else connected to that life I once thought I was going to have. Yesterday, as the amazing crowd of helpers swooped through and helped me box and load all of mine and the kids' belongings, I stepped into an empty bedroom and cried. It hurts when dreams die. There is a quote by Elder Holland that I keep going back to over and over and over aga...

I figured it out. I thought I was going through withdrawals from men and that was why I was depressed. And I was going through withdrawals, but not necessarily from people. I was--am--going through withdrawals from fixing. I sank into another pretty deep depression for a bit. This one lasted a couple of weeks and I'm just now sloughing it off. One of the keys to figuring out my way out of it was understanding the why of it. I'm big on understanding. One of the best ways I have to figure out the whys is by talking with my safe people. I had begun depending on unsafe people too often, the ones who are confusing and shift back and forth and around and I'm not sure where I stand with them. I love all of my friends, but some are more safe than others. I had been trying to feel safe and peaceful with the ones who aren't the safest and most peaceful. Finally, I remembered my safest spaces and reached out to them instead. And it worked. During one conversation with a ...

I'm ready to fall in love. Really, truly, completely, unconditionally. I'm ready to fall in love with my own life. I'm tired of trying to find someone to complete me. I told myself I wasn't doing that. I told myself I was feeling whole and healthy and was ready to find someone else to enrich my life, but not complete it. I lied to myself. Until I don't feel like I need  him, I won't find him. I'm still too desperate for affection too often. I still get depressed when I don't have a special someone who messages me daily or wants to see me. I still constantly just get let down by those people over and over again. I've been slowly taking a step back from all that, slowly giving less and less energy to that scene. I don't message them back very often. I don't seek after any attention, and they eventually stop trying to give me any energy as well. Yesterday, I didn't get a single message from any of them. I told myself I was happy with...