Micki's Musings

I was talking to a friend the other day, explaining my maniacal laughing episode, and he gave me an idea that I like very much to describe what I'm going through: I'm detoxing. Once, the ex tried to get off his cocktail of medications cold turkey and I spent three days with him in the hospital as his body detoxed off of all the chemicals. He had cold sweats, stomach cramps, pain everywhere. It was the longest three days of both our lives up to that point. That is what is happening to me. I am emotionally detoxing. It hurts and I'm having reactions, but defining it as detoxing puts things in perspective. I understand it better. For the last ten years, I have been an addict. I have been emotionally addicted to my drug of choice: him. He controlled my everything, what I did, where I went, how I lived my life and who I was. I gave him this power willingly. He was my husband. He was my other half. He was my everything and I wanted him to be happy so I could be happy, but ...

Still in a weird place. I've shifted back into super restless mode. Appetite gone again. Not sleeping again. Hard to focus again. The students are testing and I'm supposed to be grading their essays. Such a perfect opportunity to get a bunch of work done, and I'm blogging instead. I want to look like an idiot. (See, told you I couldn't focus.) This is the latest psychological experiment to which I am subjecting myself. I've mentally listed the fears I have that hold me back from life, and decided I want them. It's one of those perspective shifts I am wont to perform when things are out of my control. One of my big fears is looking like an idiot. Not an "oh, she's cute and quirky" kind of silly, but full on shake-your-head-and-walk-away-because-it's-so-embarrassing kind of thing. I fear looking stupid. But, if I want to look stupid, then it plays right into my hands. I'll still be humiliated, but it will also be what I want. It makes a di...

I don't see myself as a victim. I recognize that other people do. Other people who know what my life has been and watched me experience it easily call me "victimized." I'm not a fan of the victim label, however. I do accept certain labels for myself, but not that one. I know people who refuse to label themselves or others at all. They believe labeling is akin to stereotyping, and sometimes it is. But to me, certain labels are more of a diagnosis. Like when I discovered the label/diagnosis "codependent." Knowing what I was dealing with and that other people dealt with it too was very helpful to me. I'm learning that it's important, however, not to say "I am codependent," to define myself, but use it as a way to recognize those tendencies in myself. If I had a physical disease or disability of some sort, I would learn to recognize my symptoms and care for myself accordingly. It would be foolish to refuse to acknowledge that one has a dise...

4/6/16 I'm feeling angry and I blame other people right now. The last few days have been some of those "I'd like to run away now" days. I spent a few hours yesterday helping my son through an anxiety attack. He's not used to it like his sister, and he's more like his mother who keeps things inside and tries to deal with it alone. We worked through it; I stayed strong for him, but it was a hard day for me, too. I hurt when my babies hurt. Just little things nitpick away at me. The ex refuses to respect the protective order boundaries and continues to communicate incessantly about things that are off-limits. Now I'm faced again with choosing whether or not to send him to jail. He just got bailed out today for other stupid decisions he made. I didn't bail him out, though. Good for me. I'm dealing with people who overcomplicate things for reasons I don't understand. Just regular life things, but I have issues, now. I have anxiety. I have ...

Soapbox time, again. A few things I've learned over the past months: People's choices and actions are, when boiled down to their core, driven by one of two emotions: Love or Fear. Frequently, a combination of these forces come into play, but these are the two essential elements of all of our decision-making as human beings. Take my ex-husband for example. His is a life dominated by fear. He is so driven by fear that he makes his worst fears come true. One of his greatest fears, born from childhood experience, is the fear of being abandoned. Thus, every relationship he has, he destroys out of fear as he tests people and pushes them to their limits in order to prove his own fears true that he is not worthy of love. His mental imbalances from war have destroyed his ability to recognize certain social cues, and the combination of his fears and misunderstandings are enormously destructive. Only family members have had enough love and patience to stick around, and even some o...